Existential Conflict

   A highly agitated Stubby Lane resident reported that his daughter might have chosen the wrong college.  He couldn’t reach a high school guidance counselor until school opened on Monday, some 36 hours away, and he requested that the guidance counselor be located and contacted on an emergency basis.  

   Officers suggested that the man stop drinking coffee and advised him that under no circumstances was he to watch Dr. Phil, not because of a potential problem related specifically to this matter, but as general advice worth following. 

   Officers also noted what might have been a faint odor of marijuana coming from an upstairs bedroom, but concluded that it could have been herb tea and did not investigate. 

   They did, however, suggest that after they were well away from the residence, the man might consult with his daughter regarding homeopathic methods of stress relief.

Odor Investigation

   A Finkenbiner Pass woman complained of a strange odor coming from her husband’s walk-in closet.

   She hadn’t opened the door to look because “my husband insists on having his private space.”

   Officers opened the door while the woman looked the other way and found her husband’s body.  It appeared he had died a day or two earlier of natural causes.

   When asked why she hadn’t noticed that her husband had been missing, the woman responded, “I thought he was in his study all this time looking at pornography on the internet, and I would never disturb him there.”

Jammed Cocktail Shaker Leads to Summons

   Police assisted a woman who was unable to separate the glass and metal components of a cocktail shaker. 

   The woman was making “James Bond Cosmopolitans” for a book club meeting, so they had to be shaken, not stirred.  “When my husband does it, they always come apart so easily,” she told officers. 

   When officers suggested the purchase of a screw top shaker, the woman accused them of being “sexist pigs” who were “treating me like some kind of helpless damsel in distress,” and then became abusive. 

   After two warnings to “put down the cranberry juice bottle and move away from the lime sections,” officers subdued the woman with simple arm holds.

   They separated the shaker, poured her a drink, waited for her to calm down, and then issued a citation for menacing. 

   The younger of the two officers refused an invitation from the woman to return later and demonstrate additional methods of restraint.

Library Burglary

   A librarian reported that an alien being was stealing romance novels and replacing them on the shelves with boxes of Weetabix.

   Officers discovered that she had accidentally grabbed her son’s bottle of Ritalin instead of her own medication that morning.

   Once the speed rush subsided and her own prescription had been retrieved from her home, the aliens apparently left and the books were in the stacks after all.

   The presence of Weetabix boxes on the shelves is still under investigation.

High Speed Collision

   Police were called to the scene of an accident on Runalong Way.

   They discovered that Celerity Hardbunn was power-walking when she turned to answer a greeting from a neighbor and didn’t notice Ginger Longbaugh jogging out of her driveway from behind a hedge.

   According to Goldie Sachs, the neighbor whose greeting to Ms. Hardbunn precipitated the collision, Ms. Longbaugh was “knocked flat as a three day-old bottle of opened Schweppes” and Ms. Hardebunn “dropped like the price of a subprime credit default swap in after hours trading.”

   Ms. Sachs is an investment banker who also emcees the annual “Five Lakes Metaphor Madness Adlib Rodeo,” a fundraiser for “Friends of Families With Electric Stoves.”

   “I feel terrible about the accident,” Ms. Sachs told officers.  “I always put the interests of my neighbors first, but they’re both sophisticated adults, and they knew the risks they were taking.”

   Officers called for an ambulance.  Both victims were treated on the scene for exercise interruption stress disorder and contused running shoes.

Five Lakes Police responded to 87 incidents during this period.  Of those incidents, 22 were persons locked out of Saturday 8 p.m. reservations at their restaurant of choice, 18 were reports of babysitters who cancelled at the last second to attend a hastily announced U2 concert at the Five Lakes Playhouse, 11 were calls for assistance with damaged corks in first and second growth Bordeaux, and 6 were persons whose cell phone batteries had run down and could not remember how to operate a land line telephone. 

   Officers assisted 13 persons who suffered coffee burns at the breakfast table while attempting to simultaneously Tweet on their iPads and fold back the op-ed page of The New York Times.

   One officer suffered a dislocated index finger when he tried to separate honey- glazed crullers without a putty knife, a department infraction requiring an automatic three-day suspension without sweets.


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