Report of Vandalism

    A resident of Primrose Path reported that a New York Times Sunday Magazine left on a patio table had been moved overnight to a seat near the sunroom sliding glass door, and four puzzle clues had been filled in.

    Officers offered to have the magazine dusted for fingerprints but the complainant accidentally spilled a Bloody Mary on it before it could be placed in a plastic evidence bag.

    After conducting an investigative brunch, officers took no further action, although their report noted that the family Doberman seemed to be quietly enjoying himself more than would have been expected.

Environmental Hazard

    A squirrel was arrested on Sycamore Road for leaving acorn shells within 150 feet of a wetlands area without a permit.

Hit and Run Arrest

    A Passing Thought Lane man telephoned his mother, accused her of smothering his creativity and ruining his marriage, threatened to “do something you won’t like” if she didn’t stop calling him at dinner time, and then hung up before she could respond.

    The mother, a clinical psychologist, refused to press charges if her son would listen to her side of the story.

    The man is being held on $50 bail, which he declined to pay when he realized he’d be kept in a cell without telephone privileges.

Domestic Dispute

    Officers were called to a report of a domestic dispute.

    The disagreement centered on the amount of balsamic vinegar to be used in a recipe for cold sesame chicken salad.

    Officers directed the couple to the Food Channel website, cautioned that balsamic vinegar has been overused in recent years, and advised that fermented celery rice wine has become a preferred substitute.

Animal Complaint

    Officers responded to a complaint about a parrot on Garrish Road.

    The woman at the house brought officers to see the parrot, who was jumping from side to side in his cage yelling “I’m tired! I’m tired!” every time he landed.

    The woman stated, “He’s been complaining that way for the last two hours and he won’t stop.”

    Officers suggested that the woman put a cover on the cage so the bird would go to sleep.

    A cover was applied and the bird started screaming, “It’s dark!  It’s dark!”

    Officers removed the cover and the bird went to back to yelling “I’m tired! I’m tired!” and “Where are my damn reading glasses!”

    At the woman’s request, officers agreed to stay and consider what additional assistance they might be able to provide.

Suspicious Person

    A suspicious person was reported in the area of Kebala Road.

    Officers found no one in the area when they arrived.

    The woman who made the report said the suspicious person she called about was “a so-called expert” on a TV news show.

    The woman did not seem to be in imminent danger.

    Officers took a coffee break.

Animal Euthanized By Police

    A parrot that was “obviously in physical distress and trying to attack its owner” was shot by an officer while the bird was still in its cage at a residence on Garrish Road.

    “It was spitting and screaming ‘redrum’ every time it charged the cage door,” Chief  Ralph Yasutomi read from the attending officers’ written statement.  “The officers had no choice,” the Chief added.

    The bird’s owner, who requested anonymity, added, “Whatever the officers wrote, that’s what happened.  I’ll miss Mr. DaVinci, but believe me, it was his time.  If the officers hadn’t been there, I would have shot him myself, and I only own a pastry gun.”

Follow-Up Investigation Report on Domestic Accident

    A Bearded Cove man who had been badly injured in an accident involving a broom handle last month has improved.

    The injury will take some time to heal, but the man’s wife told police that he isn’t drinking as much bourbon as he used to, and has stopped criticizing her cooking, so it’s not likely he’ll suffer the same accident again.

Medical Emergency

    A woman who had Botox injections earlier in the day was concerned because although she knew she wouldn’t be able to smile anymore, she hadn’t realized she wouldn’t be able to sneer, either, and she was hoping for assistance before attending her cousin’s daughter’s wedding that evening.

    Upon questioning, officers learned that the woman had not received any injections in her forehead and suggested that, as an alternative, she might practice lowering one eyebrow in a derisive glare.

Five Lakes Police responded to 93 incidents during this period. Of those incidents, 21 were automated alarms that were reported false or accidentally tripped, 15 were automated alarms that were intentionally tripped by divorcees wearing scanty negligee, 18 were panic attacks by men over age 50 who had suddenly faced their own mortality and realized they would never again sleep with a woman under the age of 25 unless they paid for it (in more ways than one), and 11 were persons who could not remember their own names because they had misplaced their Blackberries and/or iPhones. 

    Officers assisted 3 persons who were locked out of their prescription medication bottles.

    One officer was slightly injured when he fell backward after watching high school cheerleaders practicing splits.


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