Shore-to-Shore Entertainment


    By Newt N. Minnow

   We continue our preview of the upcoming season’s new offerings from the Five Lakes Unified Broadcast Entertainment channel.


   These days, a divorced woman over forty or fifty doesn’t wonder if she’ll find another man who’s worth the effort: She declares open season and considers herself worthy of men of any legal age, and hunts with appropriate determination and abandon.

   And here in the Five Lakes area, what better way for any woman to snag a masculine trophy than to demonstrate her bona fides when he brings home his own bone-filled haul of the day, and we’re not talking about a skinny bar tramp from “The Bangin’ Bass Grill.”

   Which brings us to the gory premise of “Battle of the Gut-Spilling Cougars.” While the title might suggest that the show will feature mature women sitting on divans divulging their innermost secrets, what you’ll actually see is bikini-clad divorcees on their toes, ripping out the innards of Browns and Rainbows, as the Cougars compete with style and washboard abs to see who can best wash and gut trout with non-stop speed and skill in order to hook a hunky date (although they do spill their own guts during the competition; see below).

   Each episode starts by introducing the “Catch of The Day”: not a pile of fish, but a local lad clad in his own sculpted body and wrapped in nothing more than a Speedo.

   Five Cougars go through three elimination rounds, scaling, gutting, boning and beheading as if their next orgasm depended on it. 

   “The Catch” judges each round based not only on the rapidity and aplomb with which each woman completes the task at hand, but also on how each answers questions he casts at them while they’re furiously wielding knives, each question designed to lay bare the Cougars’ own characters and attitudes.

   Some of the questions are provided by the show’s producers, and are of course meant to produce maximum embarrassment for the contestants while providing satisfyingly voyeuristic tremors for the audience, although The Catch is allowed to ad lib his own queries as well.

   In the first episode, questions included:

      “If those were your former husband’s intestines, how might you be handling them differently?

      “This is a picture of the bimbo your former husband abandoned you for.  Which part of her would you want to filet first, and how would you package it if you were sending it to your former hubby?”

      “Have you ever used fish oil as a lubricant when you’re satisfying yourself, and if so, do you prefer omega-3 or omega-6?”

   The Catch aimed one of his ad lib questions at a Cougar who was thrice divorced: “I noticed you paused to crush the gonads of that rainbow trout completely before moving on.  Were you thinking specifically about one of your former husbands, all three, men in general, or is that in some way reflective of your general sexual preferences?”

   The answer stunned all present, but you’ll have to watch the show and see it for yourself.

   When only two Cougars remain, it’s time for the “Vertical Lap Dance” finale, where each is given a five pound rainbow trout and nothing but a melon scoop to complete the job.

   And while all of that’s going on, a group of male strippers from “Bachelorette Heaven” bumps and grinds the Cougars to more than a little distraction.

   The winning Cougar and The Catch of the Day exit on a pontoon boat outfitted with a wrap-around veil, loaded with champagne and--what else?--a platter of smoked trout.

   You can leave the rest to your imagination, but, personally, I’m going to take an Ambien and stare at pictures of Mother Teresa until I fall asleep.


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