by Aubrey Tadgerson

(Editor’s note: Mr. Tadgerson has resided in the Five Lakes area for more than fifty years.  He is the founder of the local chapter of Americans for Citizen-Monitored Unmanned Flying Drones In Our Schools and School District Offices.)

    I was knitting binoculars and my wife was fine tuning her colonoscope.

    It was a typical evening in our empty nest and it got me to thinking: why is our town so bereft of mechanical engineering opportunities for Native Americans?

    Anyway, I want to address the issue of snacks served at high school football games.

    At the regional quarterfinal, they ran out of mini-tacos at halftime. 

    How can you enjoy a game without mini-tacos?

    I thought maybe they’d have more at the end of the game, but the excuse I got was, “How could we cook more for the end of the game if we were out of them at halftime?  How do you cook nothing?” I guess they never heard of that magic process called “ordering enough in the first place.” 

    My former dog groomer, Gerald Billinger (well, he would have been if I had a dog), moved away twenty years ago because he didn’t like the channel line-up on the local cable TV system at the time.

    But that’s not the same thing as being out of mini-tacos.

    I’ve been voting “no” on school budgets because no matter what they say, there’s too much waste.  From now on, though, as far as I’m concerned, waste has become a throw-away issue.  The crucial question now before us is: if our school system doesn’t know how to stock mini-tacos for a football game, how can we trust them to spend our money properly on education in the first place, with or without refrigeration? 

    The next thing, I suppose, is: we’ll hear about a mini-taco shortage, and then the price will go up, and so will our taxes with it.

    Or maybe they ran out of mini-tacos on purpose so they can say they can’t afford to buy enough at one time and use that as another excuse to raise taxes.

    You can call me old-fashioned, but I think radio is more entertaining than newsreels, and I know a thing or two about what real entertainment is.

    And when it comes to entertainment, I can tell you this: mini-tacos are better than no mini-tacos.

    I remember my parents taking me to a carnival once and the cotton candy stand ran out.  It was bad, but it would have been a lot worse if I was expecting mini-tacos throughout that day and then, suddenly, there weren’t any.

    There must be many of you who feel the same way, because that’s the way I feel, otherwise this isn’t the Red-White-and-Blue that gave us the great American turkey, pre-basted and with a pop-up timer, and there on your grocer’s shelf every holiday no matter what famine or flu is destroying less blessed and purple-majestied lands, and rightfully so.

    I hope some of you will rise to this occasion, and let me know what the occasion is when you do, so when you take your family, or just your own rear-end of a keister, to watch our young men fight on the gridiron for our right to fight for freedom--one God-Blessed government-suspicious town at a time--you can have a genuine American mini-taco and not have to worry about whether or not there’s another if you want it, or even if you don’t.

    We live in a community surrounded by beautiful lakes, yet now, thanks to our schools’ inability to plan for the needs of our citizens, we must all live in fear, and not just those who married a fisherman.

    In closing, I would paraphrase our great former Vice President Dan Quayle:

    A mini-taco is a terrible thing to waste, but you can’t even do that if they run out of them before you can get one.

    One more thing: If they were going to run out of mini-tacos, why did they keep so many mini-sour cream containers on ice, right on the service counter, to the left of the mint-chutney dispenser? 

    I’d like to hear the Superintendent of Schools explain that one away with some excuse about unfunded state mandates.


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