Of Marginal Interest

Neighborhood News Unlikely To Matter To Anyone

Who Lives In Another Neighborhood,

Reported, as it were, by Basil Marono





“Promises, Promises, Promises”

Neighbors Bemoan Lost Opportunity To Add Badly Needed

Recessionary Excitement To Mundane Friday Evenings

   Residents of the tony east end enclave of Lentil Cove were disturbed that they hadn’t been disturbed.

   It all started with an apparently unfortunate announcement from one of their neighbors, presaging a late night Friday party.

    “I thought I’d have something to do on a Friday night for a change other than lament the downward spiral of the Bill Maher show, but instead I got nothing but a lot of silence,” complained one neighbor who asked not to be identified.

    Another neighbor who also wanted to remain anonymous complained that, “I had my cell phone charged, just in case I lost my land line, and I had both the Five Lakes Police and the State Police on speed dial, ready to call at 11:01 pm.  But by midnight I was so discouraged I retired without even setting up my high colonic.”

    The trouble started when the Jollimore family, of 4 Lentil Cove, placed notices in their neighbors’ mailboxes stating that there would be “a joyous occasion” at their home Friday night, and that they hoped the “music and celebration” wouldn’t be a disturbance.

    “You don’t put out that kind of notice unless you’re planning to whoop it up big time, and do it beyond the town’s 11 p.m. noise cutoff ordinance,” said another neighbor who not only asked not to be identified, but also wore a Dick Nixon mask and a leopard-skin full body suit.  “Otherwise, why bother? I put out small piles of Ambien on both bedside tables and in all of the bathrooms and even on the kitchen counter, so they’d be ready as soon as we needed them.  This morning I had to put it all back in the bottle, except for the two the dog ate, and he always farts like hell whenever he’s medicated, so we’ll be enjoying that treat all day today.”

    Indeed, as the evening wore on, neighbors say, one could hardly even tell that anyone was home at the Jollimore’s.

    “I’ve heard more noise than that when three of their kids are drinking beer next to the paddle tennis courts at two in the morning,” said Judson Wackerbarth, who lives across the street from the Jollimore’s and publishes “The Wackerbarth Noise Report,” which he claims has a circulation of 856 among the 246 houses in the Lentil Cove area.  “We had to turn off the fan in the bedroom just to see if anyone was even home over there.  I almost called 911 because I was afraid they’d all died of carbon monoxide poisoning, but right before she threw her slippers at my head, my wife reminded me that the party was outside and furnaces aren’t on in August anyway.”

    Perhaps most disappointed was a neighbor who couldn’t help but blush a bit as she related her complaint.  “I’m kind of loud when, you know, I have sex.  This time of year, with the windows open most of the time, I have to keep a pillow over my face when, you know, it happens.  I finally thought I’d have a chance to just let it all hang out, but…it was pillow time as usual Friday night.  I guess it’s times like this when you find out who your real friends are.”

    As this article went to press a little before noon, no one was answering the door or the telephone at the Jollimore residence.

    Which just goes to show: you don’t have to be yelling “everybody dance now” with a lampshade on your head to drink yourself into a quiet stupor.

    But no one was celebrating the Jollimore household’s apparent hangover.

    “I understand the party was in honor of Jeff Jollimore’s 60th birthday,” said one neighbor who shook his head sadly.  “Talk about going out with a whimper.”


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